The big bang theory....

...sometimes in life we coast through things blindly day by day, minute by minute, hour by hour...life happens around us.

I found out some things today about a past friend of mine from my Austin days...he was a huge drinker, big partier, etc... but he settled down got married & had a good life....but as he reached his 40's, he found that those things like marriage & kids weren't making him as happy as he was in the 80's & 90's partying w/his buds...so now he's drinking like a fish, going to court mandated AA and has had 3 DUI's & has contemplated suicide...all because he hasn't found "true happiness"...

This makes me sad because as we travel on our quest for "true happiness", life happens around us and passes us by. It doesn't stop for us and our quest. It continues on and we only get older.

The bottom line is we have to find our own happiness. We have to create our own happiness. I feel for those who believe that this world is our end all be all of happiness because personally I feel the "life is a journey, not a destination" theory. The afterlife for me is where it's at and I look forward to being there...I'm not afraid of it.

It's like this really cheesy thing I've always had hanging by my desk about "dance like no one's watching"....I've had it for years but it's so true. We think that life will get better if we MOVE, get married, have kids, graduate, get older, stay younger, find a better job, etc... when truthfully, life is happening to us each and every day and these events we seek out are only milestones in our lives...not the end all be all.

This all coincides with feelings I've had in the last 48 hours. A handful of events have occurred that have made me wake up from my recent fog and realize what I have to do for myself. I need to embrace my life as I've chosen to make it, choose wisely what I'm willing to accept and not accept, not allow anyone to treat me any less than I deserve to be treated, learn from my past mistakes, and remember that I've ALWAYS been a ballsy, strong girl who doesn't take too much shit.... and while I've felt the weakest I've ever felt in my life the past 8 weeks, I've had some serious moments of clarity in the last few days that have pushed me out of the fog. The fog is lifting and I feel as though it might lift quickly...

Let me throw out a quote I've just aquired but really like, "Love has nothing to do with another person, but is the condition of my own heart".

I don't want to speak prematurely but I feel as though the "low" I spoke of earlier this week is about to start getting the hell out of here...

So with all of those deep thoughts being said....I'll end this with a quote from an old China man....Confusious say... "when four-eyed one is on mission, get fuck out of way"